I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
