i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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