I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
