Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
