and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
