My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
