Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
