I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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