My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
