is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
