Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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