We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
