i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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