I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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