hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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