3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
