I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
