Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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