dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who died my cat blue again?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
