Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
