i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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