I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
