i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
