You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
