I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
