At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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