Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
