Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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