you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
