How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
