Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
