Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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