I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
