omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
