I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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