There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
