I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sarcasm needs its own font
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
