the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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