before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
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she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?