I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
