been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
