Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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