Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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