DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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