I wish I could teleport
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
