i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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