I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
