People in love make me want to vomit
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
