Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
