hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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