I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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