Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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