If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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