I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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