I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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