he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize