I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
