Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
