just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
