I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
