My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
