i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
